After a long time, it looks like I 'm infected with the verbal diarrohea again. For the past two days, I've been scribbling non-stop in my diary.Serious/semi serious/ abstract/ random/ funny/ sad thoughts keep pouring out. I guess it's an avalanche,triggered by some seismic activity happening in my sub-conscious, to download and dispose off the junk thoughts that clutter my cranial cavity.
The recent increase in workload, combined with the myriad's of decision makings happening on the personal and career front, have infact increased the clutter pile,threatening to choke my grey cells to death.
I keep feeling that the whole life is a swamp..a deep swamp that drags you down and traps you all the more when you try to escape. Some are lucky enough to find a handhold that can drag them out of the muck.But most others spend their entire lives kicking out, flailing their arms and legs, trying to prevent the mud from sucking them in..trying to stay alive, and in the whole process driving themselves to utter exhaustion.
I remember reading about a phenominon that the scientists have termed as 'Brain Burn out'.It is something similar to a PC crash that happens in the brain, after too much memory space is used up trying to do so many things..and worrying about the many things that are yet to be done.Lack of proper sleep and a screwed up routine ensures to speed up the process further. If whatever the survey's and studies indicate is true, I strongly believe that I am on the verge of a 'brain collapse'.
Deadlines...Deadlines and more deadlines.Life has become a stupid race against deadlines. In the 2010 year planner on my desk ,I can see a lot of tiny red circles crosses and lines indicating the various targets I need to achive.Each time I see it,I feel tight chested and breathless- symptoms akin to a heart attack.Back at the home front, my parents and the oh-so -concerned uncles and aunties are so worried that I have not tied the knot yet..and are badgering me with more deadlines to find a guy ,settle down, and generously contribute to the growing population.
I just keep wondering if we are the cause of all our unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Are our ambitions driving us mad? Are we overstepping the very thin line between desire and greed?I feel the demonic hand of depression strangling my mind which is now like a frozen over lake.
When was the last time I've been like this? I feel that I'm even losing my belief in the power of prayer.I feel as if a huge weight is tied to my mind, that is slowly choking me, making me breathless, crushing my thoughts and emotions.Its heavy hold keeps disturbing me even in my sleep-with dreams that are scary or sad.I cry myself to sleep and wakeup with the white patches of dried up tears around my eyes.The depth of the sadness within me reflects in the dark circles around my eyes,and in the reducing weight of my body.
Harry Potter books speak about the 'De mentors' who guard the great prison of Azkhaban who suck all the happy memories and love out of people, leaving them as cold, lifeless shells of the warm beings they once were. Is there a de mentor out there somewhere, slowly sucking out the happiness from my mind?
My pen, and the pages of my diary which accepts all my words unconditionaly, are the only painkillers I have. As the agonies of my mind pour out as tear stained words, I have come to understand that an aching mind aids undisturbed writing.
Even then I manage to laugh and joke and pretend to be happy before the world.
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